Mish-mosh post Edition:
I love New York. We all know this…but this week I’ve gotten a little overwhelmed with a couple things and it’s time for a rant. I haven’t ranted in a little while, because my life is f*cking awesome, but today, I’m feeling especially generous. So here we go.
The following list are just some things that are REALLY annoying and they need to be addressed ASAP.
-Snobbery Shut-down: I am so stinkin’ tired of pretention. There is an entire store opening near me that only sells gourmet mayonaise. This makes me want to move to Pennsylvania and become Amish. What are we doing with our lives that would warrant an entire shop of MAYO? People still have never flown on an airplane before and I am eating condiments flavored with truffle oil and Native American tears. I’ll say it right now, I like nice things, but you know what else is great? Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits, Bagel Bites, diner coffee, re-runs of Jem and the Holograms, and sometimes…Wal-Mart. I like crappy stuff mixed in with awesome stuff, and I hope it never goes away. Not everything needs to be farm-raised, hand-woven, or plucked by woodland fairies. We are all going to be OK, I promise.
-West Coast Hate: Look, I admit it. I used to hate California and the West Coast…but now that my other half lives there, I’m starting to appreciate the left side of our fair country and feel like maybe we should all lighten up on them a little. There are a few things that just might be better about California than New York and that’s alright. LA isn’t just Hollywood, NYC isn’t just Broadway. LA has better mexican food, NYC has pizza, bagels, and fusion on lock. We both make decent cocktails, so let’s just cheers, get over the 3000 miles of animosity, and decide to mutually hate on all those other states in the middle. (Just kidding…sorta.)
-Shit New Yorkers ALWAYS Say: There are a couple of things that we LOVE to talk about. We pretty much could just program three things into our social networking queues and be done. Maybe we could lessen this a little?
- How much coffee or caffeinated substances we’ve had today. We really like to talk about this one folks. I do it too. Just yesterday I excitedly instagrammed a photo exclaiming about the large girth of my iced coffee. We love a good photo of a latte with heart shaped foam, the fact that we had Stumptown 46 times in the last week, and that we might have a permanent heart murmur from caffeine intake. This is not interesting for anyone except ourselves.
- How late we are at the office. We secretly love saying how late we have to work…it becomes like some badge of honor for a New Yorker. “My life sucks more than your life, and I get paid less!” we shout proudly from our offices. But, understand,people aren’t commiserating, nor do they think we are cooler for being overworked. They are making dinner with their families and playing in their spacious backyards with their labrador retrievers. Get over yourself workaholic, and maybe force yourself out of the office to see land, sky, and water once in awhile. Brag about that!
- How we hate hipsters (unknowingly actually being one). This speaks for itself. We all have become some level of hipster, just learn to love it. Go home, make artisanal cocktails, listen to your record player, write songs that will never see the light of day in your Field Notes journal, and be OK with it.
-Exercise and Healthy Eating is Getting Weird: No longer can you just go to the gym, or run around the park. No, no…this is all too normal. I can’t keep up with all the crazy shit people are doing to maintain an average body shape these days. Unless you are on top of a greased stripper pole, doing army crawls across a bed of nails, or taking a cardio dance ballet cross-training class, you aren’t doing it right apparently. Also an update, food is overrated now. Let’s all just drink weird blended shit and talk about how much juicing is CHANGING OUR LIVES. Disclaimer, there’s nothing wrong with health, or interesting workouts, or juicing…it’s just getting to a ridiculous level of intensity. Everything in moderation lovies.
OK, I’m done. That was very ranty and should hold me over for a few days. Thank you and have a nice weekend.