1. Be Better at…Social Media.

    Instagram Edition:

    I have an addiction. And that addiction is Instagram. 

    Surprisingly, I almost like it more than Facebook. The perks? You don’t have to hear about people getting pooped on by their own babies, the quinoa bullshit someone ate for lunch, or how often someone is hitting their cardio yogalates class every week. BUT, warning…you may have to visualize some of these things in photo form.

    But I have a confession, even more than my addiction. 

    I am bad at Instagram. I have committed every cardinal sin that you can imagine on this social network…but I want to e-repent and try not to do these things ever again! And mostly, I’m sick of seeing you post these things too, k?

    P.S. No one is allowed to get butt-hurt over this post because I have only used my own photos and idiocy as examples.

    The 5 Instagram Photos That Everyone Posts, But Collectively Everyone Hates:

    • Obscure Nature Shots: You know what people on Instagram love? Flowery branches on a blue sky background. It’s the irresistible photo because, hell yes, it’s pretty… it sorta makes us look like we go outside once in awhile…and there is a good chance that with the right crop…we all can look a little artsy. Other favorites in the “Obscure Nature” category? Final moments before sunset, the SuperMoon, close up flowers, and lonely pier leading into choppy lake. These get boring, but they are tolerable I suppose (and I’ll probably keep posting them).
    • Moody Coffee: Coffee photos are never f*cking happy, are they? They always look like the final cup of joe before someone is going to be publicly executed. Oh, and it’s never going to be a styrofoam cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee on a formica countertop, next to a copy of US Weekly or In Touch Magazine. If there’s reading material in the shot, it’s gonna be the Times/The New Yorker/Kinfolk/Great Gatsby/Steinbeck. TRUST. We curate our coffee photos like we are trying to get laid via Instagram…the proper TYPE of coffee, perfect latte art, the RIGHT coffee shop tagged, a beautiful table surface, and some thing else like a casually-placed glasses, a book, or a pastry that cost upwards of $8. Pretention at it’s finest people.
    • Weather Update: I did this the other day..and then immediately hated myself for it. I took a screenshot of the weather on my iPhone and then posted it to Instagram. This makes no fucking sense. I act like I am getting my weather updates from some desert shaman via smoke signals that no one else has access to. Hey loser (me..and sometimes you), we all have frackin’ weather on our phones or we could do it the old fashioned way and look outside.(and yes, I am yelling at myself right now)
    • Window Seat: Shit, I forgot to bring those trophies with me today. Because you deserve some sort of award that you flew on a plane and took photos from your window seat of God’s good creation and now are taking photo credit for it right? Oh wait. No, no…we don’t deserve a viral pat on the back for breaking sky law to snap a pic of Iowa as we fly over. Also, you are just trying to piss others off completely…you’re either travelling to exotic places for work or going on vacation. Either way, I want to swiftly take both of your knees out while I look through my feed during Excel spreadsheet formatting at my desk. Stop being an asshole.
    • Cocktail Blur: When I break the two cocktail threshold, I will be putting up a blurry photo of the libation I am currently chugging. This is not interesting for anyone involved and honestly, I have to pause my drinking to take the photo and try and pick a filter that makes it look mildly appetizing. I am going to try and stop this habit, but I really get invested in my mojitos and want to share the joy with the world around me.

    All this to say…let’s try and be better before pulling that proverbial trigger. I have to say…there are two types of photos I never get tired of seeing…bring on the PUPPIES AND ARCHITECTURE!!!!

    What are your least favorite type of Instagram photos? Who are your favorites to follow?

     Happy faux-photography!

    Chinae

     


  2. Be Better…Looking.

    Photo Subject Edition: (special request from Becky)

    In the age of websites dedicated to photos of rejects at Walmart, girls sporting duck face, photo bombing, etc…we are all paying a social penance for being bad photo subjects. Let’s just say that we’ve come up with more ways to make ourselves look like idiots on camera (and inadvertently, the internet) than I ever thought the human race could muster. What happened to a good ol’ fashioned saloon photos from Six Flags? Why did we need to go beyond that?

    There are two paths you can go down in a photo…funny or hot. It’s just that simple folks. The middle ground is a socially treacherous place of weak chins, squinty eyes, and weird arm chub. 

    Some typical photo types that have cropped up recently (that we should try to avoid):

    -Duckface: Now this is a personal favorite of mine to hate. You all know what I’m talking about…pursed lips, trying to be sexy, but instead you seriously look like a slutty, bi-pedal member of the avian species. Your normal face is much prettier. Use that one. This is a favorite of drunken college girls, drag queens, and people with less cheekbone definition than is socially acceptable. 

    -Bathroom/Mirror Photo shooter: In male form, almost always shirtless, almost always unimpressive, but ALWAYS fingerprint-laden dirty mirror. In female form, usually similar… although there maybe a bra to keep things PG-13 enough to text to their (also underaged, hopefully) boyfriends (also see *too much black eye makeup, an outfit (made of 100% non-natural fabrics) usually from Gadzooks, with the addition of an angsty scowl). Just remember to flush folks before you go all Annie Leibovitz in the potty…I think we’ve all seen THAT particular photo just floating around the ol’ world wide web. 

    -Boring Baby: Now, I know the subject can’t help this one…it’s on you new parents to manage this process better. I am a fan of a smartly chosen photo of your newly hatched spawn, occasionally. I’m not going to be the hater of all things baby, BUT parents…you’re really going to have to be agressive in picking photos that are more than just cute to you. Let’s go for some photos of your kid making his mid-poop face, holding your margarita while riding your Bernese Mountain dog, Mufasa in his Rafiki costume? Little Tommy sitting in his stroller asleep is just plain boring and I think if he could form words, he’d probably tell you to f* off  and let him sleep in peace.

    -Shocker Broski: You are an idiot and you don’t look even remotely cool.  We aren’t friends, and I’d like to keep it that way. Please keep your fingers out of my photos (and everywhere else). 

    -Contortionist face: Someone pulling out a camera is your living nightmare. One second you look lovely, natural, and all glowy-like and then in an instant you turn into the worst looking version of yourself. You’ve managed to contort your face into something that looks like a victim in The Ring, and freeze. Looking at the digital display on the camera, we can’t even recognize you. You’ve actually switched races, genders, and/or have gained 65 pounds all in your upper neck and chin region. Next time, let’s take a breath, collect ourselves, and take at least three options. 

    -Average photobomber: Let’s get one thing straight. I LOVE PHOTOBOMBS. Unless you half-ass them. In that case, you are being lazy in your humor and I really don’t care for you in my life or in my photos. If you are going to photobomb, I need you to really go for it..none of this smiling in the background bullsh*t. Be bold. Be daring. Be very inappropriate. PLEASE. Let’s make this worthwhile and the internet will forever thank you. 

    -Gummy Smile: I know it’s not your fault that you have a poor gum-to-teeth ratio, BUT in photos, with a very slight adjustment, we can fix this. Let’s concentrate on not doing that crazy clown smile and relaxing that upper lip JUUUUSSSST a little bit and we are all going to be fine. See, even J. Garner has made it work.

    Sometimes just knowing what NOT to do, makes you Be Better :)

    Gummy Kisses & Duck Face Dreams,

    Chinae