1. Since I’ve Been Gone…

    Hold please.

    OK, we’re done being away from one another dear readers…since I’ve been gone (channeling my inner Kelly Clarkson…hopefully the skinny version), lots of things have happened huh? Miley has licked quite a few sledgehammers, our government peaced out for a bit, and I bought a baseball hat with a puff ball on top. Like I said, a lot has transpired.

    Much to the general chagrin of the internetz, I’m back for good and like a bad case of the ebola virus, you can’t get rid of me (although my writing has not been confirmed to cause you to bleed from your eyeballs…there’s always next post!). I know you’ve probably felt the void of mediocre humor and lax writing style, so here I am, back to fill that void in this corner of the internet. 

    So everyone  about three people have asked…”where have you been girl?” Well, I’ve been off my personal writing game, but trust me folks, I’ve been clickin’ around on this ol’ keyboard a’ plenty (jury is still out as to why I am talking like a farmhand). Here’s a little update on what I’ve been up to and whether you like it or not, I’ll be back to posting once or twice a week, per usual. 

    Let’s get the personal stuff out of the way first:

    This summer, I dated a fine gent who taught me all about wine, ginormous Italian families, and what the word algorithm means. We eventually amicably parted ways, which is always hard, but then we ate copious amounts of BBQ together to ease the heartache, as any good Texan woman does. I’m back to figuring things out in my personal/past life and will update you guys when things are firmed up over here, my thighs included. (The thigh part could take a minute)

    As for work and such….some fun things have been afoot!


    * Photo by Eric Ryan Anderson, styled and directed by your truly

    You may or may not know, but I’ve been working in PR/MARKETING for a rad furniture design company named DESIRON for the last 6 years and I totally love what I do everyday and I am insanely thankful and lucky to like where I go from 9-5pm everyday. Plus, I get to plan parties. BUT, in my spare time, I’ve been doing quite a bit of freelancing and there’s more to come on that soon. 


    My latest projecto was with a brand spankin’ new startup named, Timshel, which my friends Phil and Sean started. I’ve been helping them on the marketing end and also helped plan bits of their kickstarter launch party which was a total b-b-blast (READ, we got people really drunk on my cocktail recipe). If you are a human being who likes people, dogs, other people, memories, and/or has an iPhone, you should check out their new product…basically it’s a subscription service to print photos (Instagram and normal) directly from your mobile device…a blessing directly from the baby Jesus for lazy asses like me. If you’re smart, you’ll go ahead and back their Kickstarter HERE. 6 days left on that bad boy people or you’ll forget your memories forever and life won’t mean anything. 


    * A photo from the launch party, taken by Josh Goleman, stain on Sean’s shirt, courtesy of Sean

    Some other friends doing kickass things that you NEED to know about:

    -My friend Anna writes this ultra-yummy blog called The Yellow Table and now, she’s writing a book. DANG girl. Follow her cookbook journey here

    -My bestie Becky and my friend Jon (and his business partner Benj), just launched their men’s accessory line, Passavant and Lee. The party was incredible and Stifler was there, so..YEAH. Check ‘em out. I had the pleasure of doing the flowers for the party and got to see a sneak preview of the line. SO good. 



    - My friend Nate is helping launch a new studio space here in NYC, Drift Studio…TODAY! If you’re in need of an affordable but too-cool-for-school space for shooting or rentals, take a peek HERE.

    -Did I mention that my friends from The Lone Bellow just played Carnegie Hall? STUPID good. If you haven’t met them via your ear holes…you better get into that HERE

    I think that’s all folks. 

    Did I mention that I got a baseball hat with a pom pom on top? 


    Whatever. I’ve missed you internet assholes.

    xo C


  2. Be Better at…The Internet.


    I thought I’d covered all the annoyances to avoid on Facebook in a previous post…but alas, as time rambles on, people find new ways to be completely irritating on the internet.  

    Let’s unpack some of these, ok?

    -Complaining about Facebook…on Facebook: No one cares if you’re mad about Timeline and post threatening responses saying you’re gonna delete your account if they keep doing this sh*t. Guess what? Facebook is not your ex-boyfriend and your wine-saturated threats are really not going to make a huge difference, and give it like…4 days, you’ll get used to it. If you wanna bitch, get your journal out, play some Alanis, and go to town…but please, spare the rest of us. If websites didn’t evolve, I’d still be getting poked 37 times a day by some weirdo from high school, and wondering if it was some sort of “sex thing”. Oh and also, I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t “unsubscribe” from people. Muting “Southerners for Chicken Sandwiches and Sweet Tea” and “Gays Against Non-Organic Spagetti” is the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

    -Textagrams: We are living in a scary time here, folks. Our dear FB is starting to look alot like that red-headed stepchild..MYSPACE. It all started so innocently…just a mildly funny SomeEcard once in a while…now look at us. Stock imagery being posted of someone doing a handstand on the beach with a quote (that certainly hasn’t been fact-checked) saying, “Live Free, Dance Like Someone is Watching and Swim in the Ocean of Peace” is a frequent occurrence. People, this is how China will overthrow us. They probably have factories full of people, just churning out non-inspirational inspirational photo poems, that will one day turn all of our collective minds into viral mush. We will all start to write in Curlz MT and our souls will die a slow, slow death. I actually think I might prefer the sparkly GIFS that say “Sexy Bitch” on Myspace.

    - Job Inquiries: “Hey Guys, I’m looking for a new job…if you know of anything, let me know! -Peace” In what motherf*cking world do you live in? People that are Mensa-level smart, are making sure your fries are McCrispy. You think that by posting one sentence on FB, that suddenly Employment Santa is going to come down your chimney and hand you a 401K, health insurance, and a steady paycheck, wrapped in a bow that isn’t from the Dollar Store?  There is no doubt in my mind why you don’t have a job…here’s a nugget of wisdom-y advice: SEND OUT A RESUME, USE NORMAL CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION, APPLY FOR ACTUAL JOBS, STOP BEING A DOUCHE. You are seriously offending people that are TRYING HARD to actually obtain employment. Oh and if you do post that you need a job, maybe include some parameters/qualifications/etc?

    -The Worst Kind of Event: Me: Look here, I got invited to a party…let me check it out…”I…Lost…My…Phone…Party.” OK now I’m upset (as is Natalie Portman). You invited me to a non-existant event that is being faux-thrown for your irresponsible ass. There isn’t even vodka. Here’s what’s gonna happen, I’m coming over as soon as you get all those new numbers loaded up, and I’m going to throw your phone down the sewer. Do not tease me with party details, when all you want is for me to send you my digits, so you can “not call” me for another 4 years. Again, NO VODKA?! Hmphhh!

    I think I’m done. 

    It’s Monday…you know the drill. Write me a letter or don’t…whatever.


  3. Be Better at…the Internet.

    5 Reasons I Hate Pinterest:

    Hate might be a harsh word for a dark place where I sometimes find myself in a moment of quiet desperation…I should rephrase. Instead of “hate”, let’s say…"don’t understand why people love Pinterest". 

    The initial concept is great, and for some companies and people, Pinterest is an amazing world of inspiration, wonderment, and inevitably a money making machine. 

    But, for the average gal/guy, it’s a f*cking time suck.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I occasionally find myself browsing and trying to love my expereience on Pinterest, but I can’t pretend to like this sh*t anymore. I’m coming out of my social networking closet, RIGHT NOW.

    Here’s why:

    1. Pinterest Kills Creativity: At first, Pinterest was about getting inspired and sharing ideas with others…now it’s a cesspool for the same ol’ shit, over and over. I swear, it’s the same 100 images, just recycled and replicated. We no longer are getting inspired by things like color/nature/art/architecture…but now just using other people’s work as the highest level of creativity. A prime example of this is weddings these days. Have you seen a rise in a homogenous look and feel of weddings like I have? The combination of wedding blogs and Pinterest have just about killed unique events…turning them all into a hodge-podge of cake balls and DIY painted paper lanterns. NOTE: If you want to have a spectacular, special event…don’t look at Pinterest. 

    2. “I’m PINNING!”: Please stop saying this. It’s pretty much…the worst.

    3. Too Much Estrogen: Let’s face it, Pinterest is the Internet’s vagina. One way I think it could be saved in my eyes, would be more men adding manly, useful sh*t on there. I know, you know like 2 dudes that use Pinterest…well, that’s just not enough ladies. It’s like a femme vortex…where we get lost in the delusions of being able to cook gourmet meals, while learning new exercise moves, all while knitting a f*cking ankle warmer. 

    4. The Self-Absorption and Self Loathing Mecca: Now, there is a dark side to Pinterest…although you wouldn’t think it right away. Boards of “Thinspiration”, and self loathing have of course become commonplace on the site…body hate never looked so organized and adorable. Also, for most users, Pinterest becomes a safety zone, wherein you can craft the perfect life for yourself, most of which you’ll never attain, which obviously will lead to feelings of inadequacy. The perfect hair, food, home, even husband…all wrapped up in a bow that you had to dip-dye yourself.

    5. Everyone is a Self-Made Martha Stewart: I get it…you can stencil and spray paint your doormat that you hand-wove from coconut fibers…but do you really need to? Yes, some of these ideas are awesome, but we need to draw the line somewhere people. Go outside, be active, stop staring at the computer, quit planning your next trip to the craft store…because who has time to monogram your own toilet paper?! 

    OK. I’m done. 

    And yeah, yeah…I know Pinterest is great for like…recipes and stuff BLAH BLAH BLAH. Email all your hate mail to bebetterblogger@gmail.com.

    Also, I’m going on vacation for 5 days…so peace out. HELLO CALIFORNIA!

    xo Chinae


  4. Be Better at…Technology. (Guest Post by Brad Siefert)

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I have no f*cking clue about technology. I just learned what an external hard drive was like…15 minutes ago and I described it as a “cute, little black box with a tail”. So… I am leaving this SUPER tech-related post to my dear friend Brad. He’s knowledgeable about all things computer and there has been more than one occasion that I’ve called Brad frantically because the spinning rainbow wheel of death won’t leave my screen. ANYWAY…here’s his 2012 techie guest post! Show him some love y’all. 

    2012 is upon us and the new year is the best time to resolve to get all of the technology around you in order. Technology surrounds our lives and we continue to interact with it more and more so there’s no better time to get better at it. I should back up quickly and tell you a bit about myself…I am a self professing Apple and computer nerd. The most important people in my life pretty much go: Jesus Christ, Steve Jobs, and everyone else—this makes me the person who often gets the 1am text or phone call that a hard drive has crashed, a phone isn’t syncing or just that their computer is running sluggishly. The things below are a good start to making sure this year your software, phone, email, Macs or PCs, GPS, etc. work great all year long.

    1. Run Your Updates

    I cannot tell you how many times I have taken a look at someone’s Mac or PC that isn’t running quite right and noticed they have tons of Software Updates that are waiting to be installed. Whether it’s a Mac or PC, those updates can be very important security patches, bug fixes, and even new features. If things are sluggish when you surf the internet, you might double check if you have the latest version of your browser. Google Chrome updates automatically, but browsers like Safari and Firefox have recently pushed updates—and if you are still using Internet Explorer, I don’t know what to tell you. #itstimetoupgrade Don’t forget about your GPSs, phone updates, and other non-Apple or non-Windows apps that need to be updated frequently like Skype, Adobe apps like Photoshop or Illustrator, and even Microsoft Office.

    On a Mac just look for “Software Update” and on a PC you’re looking for “Windows Update”. Turning on Automatic downloading for updates is usually a good idea if you think you’ll forget to update.

    (Note: Brad slated a photo of something computer related, but I couldn’t resist a Juvenile “Back That Thang Up” reference. Apologies Brad.)

    2. Backup Everything

    Please, please please, please, PLEASE! let this be the year you start backing up if you already don’t. That hard drive sitting inside of your computer that was made in some random factory somewhere is NOT going to work forever. Just realize: IT COULD FAIL TOMORROW. Or today. You never know. One time I had an external hard drive fail on me and then my computer’s hard drive fail on me, in the time span of 48 hours. No warning, just out of the blue, boom, I have no data. Now, I am a backup ninja. I have so many backups it would be hard to lose something—and don’t just think you have to guard against a failing hard drive. Having your computer stolen or a fire can be so much more devastating. Data storage is at the cheapest rates they have EVER been at…EVER. There is no reason that you shouldn’t back up your data. Your computer is going to fail at some point, just make sure you’ve got everything somewhere safe.

    Mac users can use tools like Time Machine (update this daily!) or Carbon Copy Cloner, and PC users have: Also, cloud storage paces like Dropbox, Box, Carbonite or Mozy have great solutions for keeping you backed up via the Cloud.




    (Again, something technology related got replaced by a boy band. Eeesh, sorry again Brad)
    3. Sync Everything

    I saw a stat a few month back stating that somewhere around 50% of people who come into the Apple Store with a problem on their iPhone have never backed their phone up. Once your’e at the store with an issue, you’re going to run the risk of losing music, pictures, contacts, text messages, etc, simply because you haven’t synced in sometime. Plugin your phone, make sure the software is updated for all of your apps, and the operating system, and keep it plugged in until everything is completely synced.

    4. Embrace the Cloud

    Whether it’s iCloud, Evernote, Dropbox, or the new Windows Live services Microsoft keeps rolling out—the Cloud is here to stay. The Cloud is basically a big hard drive in the sky that’s your’s whenever you’re connected to the internet. If you’ve got thousands of little notes, journals, grocery lists, etc sitting in your Documents folder, consider moving things over to Evernote so you’ll always have the most current copy whether it’s on your phone, computer or on the web. There are lots of ways that apps on the phone, computer, and web apps are coming together and now is the best time to embrace that fact. Do you need to have 82gb of music in your iTunes or do you think you might be okay using Spotify? If you’re looking for new apps, check out if that app syncs their content to the cloud so that you’ll never need to think about if or if it’s not backed up.




     5. Inbox Zero

    If you’re one of those people who have 674 unread emails in your Gmail (or God forbid Hotmail), it’s time to fix that immediately. Select all of them and archive them, then start from zero. If there is anything in there that you really need, it will be there for you, it’s not gone, just archived. Also, take this as a time to unsubscribe from all the email lists that you shouldn’t be signed up for. Lastly, don’t use your email inbox as a todo list, download a legit task manager app and put it to good use. (Doing this alone just might save you an ulcer in 2012)



     6. Know about SOPA/Protect IP

    If you use the internet, you need to know how the government is trying to legislate it. Our government is looking into passing legislation that would dramatically change the outlook of how the internet is used and give Hollywood and the Record Industry the ability to sue websites they don’t like. The bill is going to be debated heavily in the first quarter of 2012, and you still have time to tell your congressperson how you feel about the bill. There are resources below to better inform you about what changes they are trying to make.



  5. Be Better…at the Internet.

    Online Music Roundup:

    Most days I feel like my head is going to explode when it comes to music. Overwhelmed is an understatement and something that should be fun as shit has become a nightmare. I want to listen to new music, I don’t want to spend a million bajillion dollars on an album that I’ll end up hating, and I am lazy about hunting for music. Also, I’m the asshole who wants that shizz to sync right up to my best friend, iPhone without me having to digitally Macguyver my way into a rainy day playlist. 

    BUT as of this morning, I think I got myself sorted here people. For the rest of you, who feel a little overwhelmed by the world of iPanodifty…I’ve made a handy dandy guide to the best ways to get your music fix. 


    Pros: Spotify is by far my favorite of the bunch here. A music lover’s dream, Spotify offers a huge selection of music, that you can drag and drop right into fully customizable playlists. It’s free (to a point) and getting an invite is pretty easy. (If you need one, email me at bebetterblogger@gmail.com) Another sick feature of Spotify, and what sets it apart is the share feature. Basically you can make online “mixtapes” (playlists) and send them to other Spotify users for no cost. Feel free to share on FB, Twitter, or in the blogosphere with ease. Spotify offers free service, but it’s limited, so do yourself a favor and pay the 9.99 a month…think of it as Netflix for music. I promise, you won’t be disappointed and you can cancel anytime. The cherry on top is the offline mode feature. Basically (if you are a premium user), Spotify can become your iTunes, and you can even listen to your playlists when you aren’t getting cell reception…i.e. riding the subway just got WAY better. 

    Cons: The free version is limiting, unless you only listen to music at your desk and comes with some jarringly irritating ads. You also aren’t going to be able to listen for an unlimited amount of hours…so if I were you, I’d buck up and pay the 9.99 a month. Another limit of the free service, no offline listening, but you can still sync your playlists to the VERY easy to use mobile app. 

    You should use Spotify if you… are a music lover, are insatiable when it comes to new music, want to listen to full albums, and know what you want to listen to. It’s not great if you want to be fed playlists, or want to have music suggested to you OR if you are wanting to “own” your music, a la, iTunes.


    Pros: Sometimes it’s nice to turn off your brain and let the computer think FOR you. Pandora’s been around for a while and most of you probably have already used it, and probably still continue to. Pandora makes music simple and pretty much effortless and if you aren’t into seeking out new music, and you want new music to find you, it’s perfect. Pandora also has a mobile app that works pretty seamlessly, just like their site. It’s also nice to have Pandora open in your web client rather than having to download an application on your computer.

    Cons: My main complaint about Pandora, is that if you are a picky music listener, like I tend to be, the Pandora algorithym can be VERY off…here’s how most of my Pandora experiences go:

    ::Enters Fleet Foxes into Pandora::


    1st song: “Oh perfect…Helplesness Blues…I love this song”

    2nd song: “Umm…Coldplay’s Fix You….I guess this song is ok”

    3rd song: “Higher by Creed!!!! WTF (commence furious hitting of the “skip song” button until no more free skips are allowed and headache ensues)

    ::Close Pandora tab::

    The point is, if you want to control what you are listening to, it’s not great. Also, I wonder how deep their library is because I ALWAYS end up listening to some god-forsaken Kings of Leon song for way too many times per session.

    You should use Pandora if you…don’t want to control your playlists, don’t want to search out new music, and if you are ok with ads. Theme stations tend to also be great on Pandora, hello Summer of the 90’s station.


    Pros: Free, make your own playlists, and easy to use. Pretty much the older, less agile Spotify that lacks some good features.

    Cons: No sharing playlists, and not as intuitive and robust. 

    You should use Grooveshark if you…somehow didn’t get a Spotify invite yet.


    Pros: If you want chatroulette, IM chat, unlimited music, and a way to kill lots of time at the office, Turntable.fm is for you. The great thing about Turntable.fm is that you can share and create a musical environment with your friends, and sometimes strangers (if you want). I love that you can comment and chat about song choices, give people DJ points for a great song played, and also, give yourself a break from g-chat for a couple hours. They have a pretty deep selection of music and the chat works seamlessly within this web-based music client. Also, who doesn’t love their little avatars? ADORBZ.

    Cons: Not a music listening service for those who want to stand back and just put their music in the background. Also, choose your friends and DJ’s wisely…as it can go awry REAL quick. You are pretty much one bad song choice away from ruining your work vibe. 

    You should use Turntable.fm if you…want to waste copious amounts of time during the work day. And you want an interactive listening experience. 

    Cheers to navigating the information super highway musically together,



  6. Be Better…at Email.

    Email Marketing Edition:

    I pretty much hate being marketed to…and I do it for a living (love to do it, hate to deal with other people’s crap). Especially E-Marketing. Every morning I am on the verge of dousing my Magic Mouse with gasoline, lighting it, and launching it like a fiery grenade of magical technology at my computer screen. 

    Email marketing abusers, this is a post to teach you how to Be Better…and how to stop making me attempt violent crimes before 9am. 

    My Inbox Abusers:

    Groupon: Initially, I loved the idea of Groupon. You mean to tell me…that I get 4 Italian Sausage combos at that little eatery in my neighborhood that flies in their meat treats from some obscure Genoese butcher, for the price of one? Yes please. But now…things have gotten out of hand. No, Groupon, I don’t have time for helicopter lessons nor do I want to buy my boob job with a coupon like you are suggesting. You’ve also made several of my friends ease into bankruptcy due to their inability to say no to your discount pottery lessons. I’m aware they want to reenact the scene from Ghost but you don’t need to hustle them into it and then extract all the money from their bank accounts. So mainly, I wish there was an easy way to fill out some sort of survey about what things I’d be interested in…and then only get an email from you when the time arises. Things I’m interested in: discount meat, discount vodka, discount freak shows, and discount tickets to see “Lionel Richie and Mumford and Sons: One Night Only” (don’t get excited and start googling, people… I made that up).

    Tip: Make a more focused marketing strategy so I don’t get 99 emails from you for every 1 that is actually relevant to my life.

    Airline websites: They say insanity is doing the same thing more than once and expecting different results…well then call me crazy lady. Not only do I hate your emails, but I hate myself for falling for them every f*cking time. “99 cents from NYC to Bermuda!, CLICK HERE” and I do. Every. Single. Time. 

    The scene looks like this:

    Me: ”Oh! An email from Delta offering me a much needed beach vacation for 10 bucks” 

    **Click, Click, Click**

    Me: "I’ll just fill in my destination…uh huhh… ok…plug in my dates….FIND FARES NOW"


    Me: F*CKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! $400!!!! WTF WTF WTF

    **Chinae throws Mac Book at wall and curses the day, shakes fist vigorously and promises to never fall for this again**

    End Scene. 

    So pretty much what I’m saying is that your tricks of temptation are working. You are playing on my weaknesses like a disenchanted lover. But I am starting to really hate you in the process. Why can’t we just be honest and say, “Today, Mediocre Fares Unless You Are Interested In a Tuesday-Thursday Trip to Buffalo During One Particular Week in February!” At least I wouldn’t rage. I might even book that Buffalo trip due to your honesty.

    Tip: Stop being liars.

    Delivery.com/Seamless Web: I am already ashamed that I am lazy enough to download an app on my phone, that allows me to avoid human contact to put food in my face. Every time I use you, I feel like you are my dealer and I’m some sort of socially inept, tech savvy,  junkie hermit. I’d prefer you to not remind me that I’ve hit a personal low. But props. You are delicious and convenient and I love that I don’t need to learn a new language to order my bun-less breakfast sandwich. 

    Tip: You’re alright, I’m just being whiney. 

    Some companies who do it right: Mad Props to GILT GROUPE & Warby Parker.

    I don’t even want to know what my inbox would look like if I joined an online dating site. 

    With love from my inbox to yours,



  7. Be Better at…the Internet.

    Facebook Edition:

    I’ll just start and say that I love Facebook like Lohan likes the drugs. Seriously, it’s my guilty pleasure and allows me to be the total creep I had always hoped I’d become. AND I still have managed to have friends in real life, which is a miracle in and of itself. Where else in life can you pine for a lost love, laugh at someone from high school’s aging body, and post idiotic plugs for your newly launched blog site? 

    BUT. Some people are REALLY bad at da’ Book. Not saying that I’m a master, but I think there are a few things we can all work on to make the Universal Studios of the internet, a little bit better. 

    -Camoflauge your Creepiness: Alright folks, I love a little Creepfest 2011™ just as much as the next gal, and Facebook can be your best friend in this way, but you have to take some steps to ensure that you don’t get found Murder She Wrote style. 

    1) Photo comments: Unless you’re good friends, you aren’t allowed to comment on a photo deeper than 20-30 photos from the most recent…I encourage you wholeheartedly to try and find their oldest photo and partake in a good belly laugh about how they looked like a chola back in high school but DO NOT COMMENT. You don’t want them to know that you’ve spent over an hour digging through their shizz, and have somehow ended up sifting through their second cousin’s hairdresser’s photos that they were tagged in from that backyard picnic in ‘99. 

    2)Pre-Date Recon: This has really bitten me in the ass on a few (at least 6) occasions. You meet someone, they ask you out, you try to find every shred of information on the world wide web about them before the first date so you know if they are a: A)Serial Killer, B)Sex Offender, 3)Married Dude, 4) Socially Connected and/or how many Patrick McMullen photos they’ve been referenced in. Then after googling, you try Facebook…SCORE. No privacy settings. After rifling through that like a dog in heat …you go on the date. And…you accidentally, after a couple drinkipoos start asking him about his Y2K celebration trip to inner Malaysia…forgetting that he ACTUALLY hasn’t told you about that, but that you found in his 45th photo album (of the 104 albums that you looked through). I am really going to try and stop this cycle…join me will you? We are really not doing ourselves any favors, although I’m totally still googling your asses for that Sex Offender listing. 

    -Facebook is NOT Your Xanga: Sh*t happens in life, we all filter through it somehow…but we all know that one (or 12 in my case) person that pretty much work through their emotional instability via Facebook.

    Example: "I don’t even know you anymore, and from the way that you’ve treated me, I realize that I’ll never be fully yours, and maybe I don’t even want to be."

    WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?! I’m guessing he dumped you because, among other very obvious reasons, you are absolutely unstable. Facebook is not your therapist and your poor friends feel obligated to comment on this ridiculous plea for attention with comments like “It’s gonna be ok girl”, “Here for you”, “Praying for you”…Well, next time I see it, I may just say “You are going to be single FOREVER, he was good to get out while he could”. Seriously, set up some online donation system and I will be the first one to give you money towards a real therapist. 

    -Checking In Guy/Gal: If you want to give a rapist your home address, temperature and crispiness level of the turkey bacon you ate breakfast, where you took your last pee pee, and where you are currently vacationing with your sugar daddy…that’s fine. Annoying to read on my News Feed, but overall…I can deal. What I cannot deal with is when you force me to be found. The guy who’s going to burgle your apartment in the future does not need to know that you and I are together eating turkey legs at the Renaissance Fair today. I purposely didn’t tell people where I was going so I could eat my dinosaur-sized meat popsicle in peace. So please…unless we have been kidnapped together and need our location announced, don’t check me in. 

    -Braggy Lovers: I love that you’ve found THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. I clicked “like” when you made it official on facebook, I’ve commented about how cute your matching profile pictures are from that San Diego trip where you are hugging those rescued dolphins, but you’ve driven me to press that “hide” button now. I will actually combust if I see another post like this: “Best Boyfriend in the World Award goes to my baby @John Smith…praline crusted gluten-free pancakes in bed, preserved flowers exhumed from an Egyptian tomb, and an 80’s dance party in our bedroom hosted by Salt n’ Peppa!” Alright, if your status was actually this awesome, I might want to read it. I digress. The point is…we assume he is the best boyfriend ever to YOU…because you are dating him. I keep all relational status updates off facebook but here’s looking at you next boyfriend…you are going to get this update about you “Most Mediocre Boyfriend in the world…thanks for taking me to Denny’s and making my pay for my Grand Slam this morning!”…Swoon. 

    Tips to Be Better at Facebook:

    -Post relevant material: links, photos, and content that people will actually want to read. Don’t overload on senseless crap you found on the internet or articles that only YOU would ever be interested in. If you do it right, people are actually going to click on your content and you’ll become someone that is known for only posting things that are funny, interesting, and fresh.

    -Don’t overupdate: We know when you are tired, when you are hungry, after you’ve picked up your drycleaning, that you saw a puppy, etc. Save us from it please? Occasionally it’s fine…but we don’t need the play by play on a daily basis.

    -Rants: Look, I love a good rant…but just get a blog like me! That way, people can opt in to hearing your thoughts in a more lucid way than in a tiny box, which you’ll never get your point across in. This just starts weird facebook tension and those awkward comment fights that are oh so visible.

    Love you nuggets…digitally and otherwise.

    xoxo chinae