We had just moved to a rich, ultra-fancy neighborhood in Dallas (we were probably the poorest people in a 10 mile radius) and as an effort to make friends, I ventured off to trick or treat.
Prior years, living in a middle class hood meant a pretty mediocre ratio in the old candy sack…60% stupid candy, 38% awesome shit and 2% weird items that I threw on someone’s front lawn before returning home. But this year…this new place was different and ruined every Halloween to come.
First off…I was shocked to see most houses inviting kids INTO their homes, and the kids were actually going in…DUMMIES! Don’t you know that’s how you get chopped up in little bits and stuffed in a donkey piñata for the next serial killers anonymus meeting!?
I soon learned that you don’t need to be scared of rich people.
So on the 3rd or 4th house, I waltzed in like I owned damn the place. I then discovered that these idiots had probably spent more than my current yearly income on transforming their mansion into an ACTUAL haunted house and had hired actors to lead kids through a maze of cheap thrills like touching brains and eyeballs (which this sassy jaded 6th grader knew was obviously a jello mold and peeled grapes).
After an overpriced 10 minutes they led us into the foyer (rich people LOVE a motherf*cking foyer) staffed by a couple actors who asked us to open our bags (for the record, other kids had monogrammed candy bags…I had an Albertson’s paper sack).
Let’s talk about the haul…each of us got 4-5 king-sized candy bars and a ten dollar bill. This type of treat-gifting pretty much continued through the night and contributed to my journey into being a real spoiled brat… which I’m sad to say has followed me into adulthood.
All that to say, this Halloween don’t be the dumb house that gives away the wrong kind of candy…
To aid in your shopping here’s a quick guide:
-Reese’s: A perfect give-away unless little Tommy has an unknown peanut allergy. You didn’t go crazy and buy king-sized treats but you did a respectable job this year.
-Loose Candy Corn: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE? Loose, unwrapped candy? You expect me to put my hand in that pumpkin-shaped bowl of swarming bacteria where 85 other poop-coated miniature fingers have been to get such a measly reward? Have you tasted candy corn lately? It’s pretty much like sweet butter-flavored wax. STOP.
-Tootsie Rolls: Oh, you’re too cheap to buy ACTUAL chocolate so you are going to try and skate by with cocoa-flavored treats? No one is fooled.
-Coins for Unicef: WTF. You want me to do what with this rusty penny? What the crap is UNICEF? If you give coins away, check your birth certificate as you must be over the age of 68.
-Snickers: YES! Best house ever!!! But hey, stick with fun size…not minis, ok? My mom slaved away on this two-person horse costume…make it worth our while.
-Dum Dums: You are what you serve. Also, these don’t even have gum inside.
-M&M’s: Better go with a peanut or new pretzel option here IMHO.
-Pencil: Really? This is going straight in your lawn.
-Almond Joy: Don’t ask me, I didn’t taste one until I was 25 due to my mom always taking these as her payment for driving my ass around.
-Apple: Sigh. I feel sorry for your children. Also, unless I’m bobbing for $20 bills…don’t make me stick my face into a bucket of water to get my treat.
-Sorta “peanut flavored” chewy candy in solid brown or orange wrappers: Terrorist candy if you ask me. If anyone can find a brand name for these, I’ll give you all my candy.
Happy Halloween y’all!