Skirting the Issue Edition:
I have to admit, I’m having some fashion issues right now. With other people’s clothes.
What’s with the ugly quotient this season, ladies? I’m seeing a lot of Laura Ingalls Wilder look-a-likes and I really hate it. It’s like everyone’s allergic to sexy and we’ve resorted to guerilla knitting over our lady parts so we can look straight up Grandma status. Let’s tackle the issue of our bottom halves today and we’ll get into our top bits next week.
I love a good maxi. Makes ya look tall, feel kinda princess-y, and overall can be quite romantic looking (to other ladies). So why the hell have you people taken the maxi and turned it into a floor-length chastity belt? I mean…seriously?! I thought broomstick skirts ended with my mom in the 90’s (who obviously paired it with a turtleneck skirt and chunky silver cross necklace)…but I’m seeing them again. Which is a damn shame. If you are going to go maxi, keep it simple, modern, and stay the f*ck away from tiered styles. Also, new pleated styles are great…but beware, buy it a size larger so you don’t maximize that fupa situation that can often happen with a large pleat. (just sayin.)
I think mid-length skirts are maybe the hardest thing to full off when talking about the lower region. They can easily go from Mad Men to frump-fest with one bad fabric choice. Stick with a pencil skirt, in a bold color to stay away from looking like the teller at your local Bank of America (those f*cking cheap pin stripes KILL ME). Also, a note…gathered front midi-skirt…actually just looks like lady parts attached with Velcro™ on the outside of your clothing. RESIST.
If there were political parties dedicated to fashion…I would obviously be in the Mini-skirt party. Paired with a good sheer, black, back-seam pantyhose…minis can be a perfect transitional Fall item, keeping your style, sexy but functional. If I was a man, I’d be a leg man for sure. BUT…can we talk about bubble skirts? I REALLY HATE THEM. They ALWAYS look like you sh*t your skirt or like you are smuggling mashed potatoes down under. Soft and squishy is just an unfortch way for your super hot bum to look, so try a tailored mini in a sparkly fabric to glamorize your Fall look without trying too hard.
Ralph Lauren has been hustling the plaid skirt for decades now, and Kudos Ralph, they are certainly making a resurgence lately in main stream style…but there are three ways the plaid skirt can go. Chic equestrian/Americana, naughty school girl, or Math teacher. Let’s not do the second two. Deal? Keep your plaid in modern cuts with minimal pleating to maintain the chicness and reduce the skank-prude factor. Also, I can jam with a long plaid skirt…but it NEEDS to be all the way to the floor and not paired with an orthopedic looking shoe, as seen above. YUCK!
Putting a sweater on your lower bits can be tricky. It can add major poundage without much effort. To reduce the chance of a fatter looking ass, try the trend out in an A-line form…rather than this super tight pencil option, and keep whatever you have on top, less voluminous and do NOT pair with another sweater for fear of looking like a wooly, lumpy, Urban Sherpa.
Love you all. And have a fantastical Fall weekend!