1. Be a Better…Dater.

    Out to Eat Edition:

    Eating is easy. Talking is easy. Manners are pretty easy. Doing all three simultaneously with someone that makes your stomach feel like worms is not as easy. How do you navigate dinner date night and make your lil’ lady feel super special without looking like a total tool?

    5 Ways to Win on Date Night:

    -Take Charge of Planning: You know what I f*cking hate? Being asked out and then having to plan the whole damn date. You asked me if I’d like to have dinner, and I am aware that you are scared to pick something I potentially could hate…but more than a bad Chicken Tandoori experience, is me having to plan our night out when it was your idea in the first place. Don’t ask me where I want to go. YOU DECIDE. The best way I’ve ever been asked out went something like this:

    Manfriend: “Hey, I’d like to take you out this week for dinner, are you free Friday evening?”

    Me: “Yeah”

    Manfriend: “Be ready at 7, I’ll come get you.”

    Me: “Where you wanna go?”

    Manfriend: “I’ve got a plan, just be ready at 7pm”

    Me:(swoon)

    Hearing that you’ve put some thought, effort, and have the balls to take charge is HOT. It won’t even matter if the place sucks, TRUST ME.

    -Order Well: The ordering process is always a weird moment on a date…you’re both trying to figure out what the f*ck you want but then are trying to have conversation at the same time. I’m mostly trying to figure out what won’t give me bad breath or a teeth situation while trying to figure out if ordering another vodka makes me look like an alcoholic or just “fun”. And then you both ask each other what you are thinking about getting…and let’s be honest, neither one of you really care.

    **Here’s a pro tip for guys, look at the menu before you go and even talk to the maitre d’ on the phone when you are making your reservation about what are NO FAIL options for ordering, while you are on the phone, make sure you know if they are cash only, or any special things about the place (this can derail a date). When you can suggest something to a lady or order FOR HER (chill out feminists), most gals will go with your opinion and feel like you know your sh*t. Bonus round, be confident and order a bottle of wine with the meal that you don’t take her suggestion on. Just order it, with confidence. 

    -Relocation Plan: So you’re going to need two plans here…Plan A is for when or IF for some reason the restaurant falls through. Come up with a place that’s close by, that could work, because you’ll never know when the place is booked up, your wait time will be extended, or you find out she has a shellfish allergy when you pull into the Joe’s Crab Shack parking lot (for God’s sake I’m joking). The second plan you’ll need to have at the ready is the after party…well…not party per se, but a place to grab a drink or extend the night if you both are wanting to do that. Nothing kills a mood like you using your Yelp app post dessert. 

    -Table Manners: Pull out chairs, excuse yourself properly, be the main contact for the server, and always tip well. These things are old-fashioned and seem like obvious things, but you wouldn’t believe how many dudes are missing things here. Think about the small stuff…if you see her water glass low, or that she needs another drink, call the waiter over and make sure it’s tended to, before she has to even think about it. 

    -Checktiquette: Gals, always offer to pay for your half. Guys, rarely let them. Whoever planned the date should pay. This rule lessens if you are seriously dating and it’s normal food eating time…once you get to the non-date dating stage, this rule relaxes and both people should be contributing. 

    Go eat food and multiply,

    Chinae

     


  2. Be a Better…Gym Rat.

    Gym Etiquette Edition:

    The Park Slope New York Sports Club is my home away from home…and by that, I mean I spend about 5-6 hours a week there…so yeah, not that much. BUT, in that 5-6 hours I see some pretty atrocious gym behavior. 

    Let me give you the cast of characters of the Park Slope NYSC on a typical day:

    -Steroid Guy(s): There’s always at least one. He’s grunting like a wild boar in heat, he will have that pesky vein shooting out of his temple that looks slightly like the Tigris and Euphrates, and he WILL check out your ass while you drink out of the water fountain. It’s fine, learn to love it, he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

    -Geriatric Man with Short Shorts: Find him always at the Leg Extension/Curl Machine where the general view is a back door shot straight up his nylon daisy dukes (thank God for those inner mesh undies). Also, he will always be in white running shoes, with the thickest soles they make. Keepin’ it Orthopedic bitch. 

    -Middle-Age Lesbian Couple sans Bras: Now, I know all of your gyms aren’t going to have this feature, but I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about this phenomenon at my workout facility. Look, I love the gays…and I would be saying this to anyone who is doing the elliptical at level 10 without the appropriate support…so don’t get all sensitivo on me but really? If you are a woman with an age in the double digits…you need to be wearing a bra while working out. And we aren’t just talking no bra…it’s no bra, in a loose tank top…with tattoos….and NIPPLE RINGS. If you want to put a shard of metal through your lady bits, I support you. BUT I shouldn’t be reaching for a kettlebell and have the dusky sunlight reflect off your boob-jewel and blind me momentarily mid-workout. 

    -Towel Placement Confusion Lady in the Locker Room: Now, we all know that at the gym, they are going to provide you with a 2x1’ piece of sandpaper that they lovingly call a towel (disregard if you go to one of those fancy gyms). When you are in the ladies locker room, you always choose bottom coverage over top…Right? Well, not this gem. She’s got it confused, and we all suffer the consequences. I actually think I’d prefer you to just walk around naked….it’s less awkward than your obviously incorrect choice of sandpaper bra vs. adult diaper. Not sitting on that particular bench ever again? Yep.

    -Shirtless Guy/Gal: You seem to have misplaced your shirt. How can I help? Yes, you’ve worked hard for those abs, we all are silently clapping at a little fiesta for you in our heads (i.e. hating you and making myself feel better by insisting I have a life)…but it seems like a shirt isn’t going to slow down your pace on the treadmill and it may even help soak up some of the sweat glistening off your pectorals. 

    *Above is the only exception to this rule bc he is a dream boat. If you, random google image man, are reading this idiotic blog…call me. 

    I’d love you all to come meet all the friends listed above…but now for some Be Better Gym Rules:

    -Re-Rack: I am SO happy for you that you can do 260lbs on the Max Rack…but I’m going to need a lot less weight for my squats so I don’t get crazy thunder thighs…but oh wait. You left it all still on the machine. Just what I wanted to do, unload all your weights, so I can get my 3-4 sets in. PERFECT. Don’t be an ass…put them back after you’re done…just think…more time to look at your bulging muscles in the mirror!

    -Sweat stains: Sweating is awesome…what’s not awesome is me having to remove the the residue you are excreting on every machine you use.  I’d prefer to leave my headlamp and shovel at home but you leaving a salt mine on the leg press is hindering that. 

    -Chit Chat: I want you to discuss your workout plan with your other veiny, shiny companions…but can you stop using the Dumb Bell Rack as your conference room? Seriously, sometimes it’s like an episode of The View is happening between sets, and just like in real life…I want to avoid watching it. Moreover, you are lounging on the machines so none of the people that actually have a life and would like to be having a well-deserved cocktail in one hour, can get through their workout. I’d like to get in, deadlift, and get out thankyouverymuch.

    -Working In: This is totally fine usually. When someone asks me if they can work in while I rest, I really don’t mind…but when the amount of weight you are lifting is 4 times the amount that I am lifting…this isn’t working out. Let’s break up. I was trying to be nice but now you are wasting my time AND making me feel weak. 

    *Kim Kardashian photo is unrelated but pretty funny. 

    Get buff and stay stupid people,

    Chinae