First Beach Day Woes Edition:
It’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, I was wearing a leather jacket a week ago, and suddenly, we are living in a solar flare. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED NYC? I thought you said you were going to take things nice and slow this year, easing me into seasonal change like the Smooth Operator I thought you were. Well you’re doing it wrong. We are in a fight.
As I arrived home late last night, my best friend iPhone let me know that I had an email coming in…”Subject Line: BIIIIZZZEACH!” ….Translation: Beach trip. Momentary panic ensues.
Now, let’s get some things straight. I F*ing love the beach. I will be the first one on the LIRR heading out, I will bring my own myriad of oils, I will power through an 8-hour stint on the sand (no breaks), I will make those weird drippy castles on your stomach if you fall asleep, and I will be in the water 95% of the time (with the majority of the time spent evading the lifeguards who are yelling at me for breaking beach rules). A good beach trip is my favorite summertime activity and I honestly couldn’t make it through NYC summer without the proximity of the sun, sand, and agua. But I’ll tell you, that first beach day is a rough one for all of us.
You’ve powered through the winter and spring (which was non-existant really)…and you’ve emerged as this translucent creature, similar to a jellyfish, soft, pale, and boneless (OK, maybe not boneless). So how can we make the most of our Jellyfish state and look halfway decent on this perilous first beach trip? Here we go:
-Swimsuit choice: Now I know we’ve discussed swimsuit choices on this god-forsaken blog before, but this is crucial to the first beach day experience. This is NOT the time to be busting out your light colors, and skimpiest options. WE AREN’T READY FOR IT. Just stick to something more low key. You are way too pale to be wearing your yellow polka dot bikini, so just save it ok? The time will come, after 2-3 beach trips, that you’ll be tan enough to be wearing that…for right now you just look like a jaundiced baby with a couple extra sets of dimples.
-Self Tanning Lotion: Guys, Gals, this is more for the general public rather than for you. You’ve been warned a couple days in advance that you will be bearing your goodies, let’s put in a little prep work and substitute a lotion with a mild self tanner for the usual body lotion…It’s cheap, it works, and seriously it will assist in your Memorial Beach day game with the opposite sex. Things to remember: wash your hands after application, make sure you rub it in well, and don’t overdo it (you aren’t fooling anyone Snooki). Here’s one of my favorite products that always does the trick!
-Manscaping/Ladyscaping: Take care of your business(this includes chest, pits, back, ass, and wonder zones). We don’t need to see your lack of personal hygiene when you took the winter off from dating and lived in your apartment like it was some weird man/lady cave. (please note…the best photo that ever was and will be on the internet)
-Beach Makeup: Alright I’ll admit, I rarely leave the house without some sort of makeup on. Yes, I’m the girl lifting heavier weights and getting more reps in than you at the gym, while wearing red lipstick. DEAL WITH IT. So the beach is an interesting ordeal, especially if you spend most of your time in the water like this Lil’ Mermaid. Here are some ways I stay looking glam at the beach all up in the face:
1) Choose a BRIGHT waterproof lipstick that is going to stay with you all day, without having to re-apply every hour…this will instantly make your features pop and you will still feel mega-hot when you are throwing up all the seawater you accidentally swallowed during the under-water handstand contest you just participated in. Here is my personal favorite, Beyonce Red from L’Oreal Infallible Stars Collection.
2) Get your hands on a great waterproof mascara. This is my personal favorite L’Oreal Voluminous Waterproof Mascara. You don’t want to end up looking like this….
3) Tinted Moisturizer: This is a great option for a little bit of coverage mixed with the added benefit of some SPF action (if you are into that sort of thing) I like Korres’s Watermelon Tinted Moisturizer the best.
-Exfoliation: You are going to feel a million times hotter when you scrub off all that nasty wintery dry skin and BONUS…your tan will stay a lot longer if you do this before you hit the beach! (Tip: Exfoliate, Self tanner lotion, beach…in that order) Save your moolah for a new swimsuit and make your own salt scrub at home!
Homemade Salt Scrub:
-Lavender or Peppermint Oil
-Course Sea Salt
Combine equal parts Sea Salt and Olive Oil, add peppermint/lavender oil to scent the mixture. Insta-smooth skin!
Good luck out there. Hope this makes you feel infinitely hotter on your first day out my little mermaid/mermen. See you all on Recovery Tuesday.