1. Be a Better…Traveller.

    Airplane Passenger Edition:

    It’s vacation time bitches. With all this jet-setting back and forth to Cabo that you people are probably going to be doing over the next couple months (cue targeted jealousy), we need to all take in a lesson about being a better airplane passenger so we don’t go all Bridesmaids on each other mid-flight. Flying can be a stressful experience as it is…so let’s make it a little less painful for all those involved with these helpful tips! 

    Don’t be these people EVER:

    ****The Talker: Usually middle aged or older, the talker can really creep up on you if you don’t watch out. What will happen first is when they sit down in their seat, they may say a comment or two…harmlessly at first. It starts something like this:

    Them: (with a surprised look) “Oh, I think I’m right in Seat C over there…excuse me”

    You: (takes out headphones, unhinges hips from pelvis and moves them horizontally) Oh Yeah, sure…

    Them: (settling into the seat) Ah…

    You: (puts headphones back in slowly) 

    Them: So…is Chicago the final destination for you? Is this your first flight today or ever? Do you want to see pictures of my Shit-Zsu Molly? Have you ever tried ham? Does that wing looks loose to you? it looks loose to me! I wonder what movie they are going to play?! I hope it’s The Santa Clause 3 again…I really miss Tim Allen these days. Do you think stewardess is still politcally correct? Or should we call them flight attendants? Does that make us Flight Attendees? Har Har Har!

    You: (fake narcolepsy)

    End Scene

    SHUT THE F*CK UP. No one wants to hear your take on the best deep dish in Chicago, why cats can replace lovers, or how you have been seeing the chiropractor about your lingering back irritation from that Segway accident (they said you couldn’t fall) you had in ‘99. The only time conversation is needed is if you are: A) Mutually attracted to each other, B) Going down in a ball of flames, or C) Need to use the bathroom and are trying to wake them up.

    This person also seems to be the guy or gal that has 266 photos of their dog/grandchild/husband that they would REALLY like you to see. Sometimes I miss the days of wallet sized photos…there were max ten pictures in that plastic thingy and you were only a resident of “oh how cute!” town for 10 minutes max. Damn you iPhone and your endless scrolling.

    The ONLY other time where conversation is acceptable is when you feel those wheels touch down, you are flung to the back of your chair, and you know that you’ll be outta there in a jif. There is a 10 minute window of time, where both of you can hold up a conversation chock full o’ pleasantries and every one leaves unscathed. 

    ****The Sleeper: Mr. Tiredtown sure beats the Talker but still can be a nightmare to sit next to. Now, don’t get me wrong, the combo of white noise, small space, and loud Icelandic music in my headphones WILL make me comatose before I can get my seatbelt fastened. BUT I sit there, confined in my torture chair, mouth open (but soundless), and DON’T move. I’m talking about Sleepy McSleeperson who is a LITTLE TOO comfortable sleeping on an airplane 3 inches from another person. I always seem to get the guy who falls asleep and then slumps over onto my shoulder, causing me to paralyze my body for the next 3 hours for fear of waking his ass up and having THAT awkward interaction. I don’t care if you have to use your nylon windbreaker like a straight jacket, just don’t touch me and we will be juuuust fine.

    ****The Switcher: The Switcher is a sneaky operator. Goes something like this:

    You: (Sitting comfortably in the window seat that you booked 3 months ago) 

    Them: (in an obnoxious Southern accent) Hi! Would you mind switching seats with me? My 3-year old daughter is sitting by herself next to you, she’s never flown before, suffers from altitude-induced migraine syndrom and it would be great if we could sit together.

    You: Where would I be moving?

    Them: (pointing to the middle seat, between a 300lb man and an obvious talker in the last row near the bathrooms) Oh, just right back there!

    You: …

    Now you’ve really pissed me off. You are trying to do a switcheroo where basically I get totally shafted. It’s a lose-lose situation because if I switch, I’ll be miserable. If I don’t switch, I am going to look like the biggest butthole this side of the Mason-Dixon. It’s not my fault you have a kid and aren’t good at making travel arrangements, so don’t punish people that way.

    ****The Urinator: I GET that the drinks are unlimited, free, and flow like the Tigris and Euphrates Old Testament style..but you need to understand the limitations of your bladder. You also should realize that I’ve just taken some heavy drugs that will put me into a coma-like state for the next 5 hours and waking me up to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes is GOING to end badly for you. Look, I will happily give you the container that my cheesy hamburger burrito came with for you to urinate in, if you want it. What can I say? I’m a giver. If that’s not going to be in your plan, you need to lay off your camel-like behavior and hold the phone on the diet coke drinking contest you are having with yourself until you de-board the plane.

    ****The ONE: We all know this person. You’ve boarded, settled into your seat and are anxiously waiting for your row to fill up. You’re mentally crossing your fingers for a good candidate and then you see him. THE ONE. For a multitude of reasons, he is the guy that NO ONE wants in their row, much less next to them. As he passes through that miniscule aisle, people are having small parties in their brain, celebrating him not being their seat buddy. You know you’ve done this. But don’t worry..he always ends up sitting next to me, so you have nothing to fret about. FML. At this point, screw more leg room, let’s just widen those armrests. 

    Happy Flying Y’all,