1. Be Better…at Transportation.

    Subway Personality Edition:

    Public Transportation is either the best thing or the worst thing about New York City. It all depends on the day, mode of hauling your ass somewhere, and approximate time of departure. But you know what makes the situation worse? Those annoying subway characters who plague my journey along the way. 

    Now, I usually love like MOST people…but there is some behavior that makes me want to set my ombre hair on fire mid-commute. 

    Let’s try to NEVER be these people, k?

    The Pole Crusher: It’s that medium sort of crowded on the train, no seats but I’m not quite at the point where I’m tasting someone else’s armpit hair. The train driver seems like he may or may not have had a sniff of whiskey pre-shift, so I think I should probably hold on to the pole. OH WAIT. That pole seems occupied. BY YOUR ENTIRE BODY.

    How you ask?

    Well there’s a frontal option and a rear option. The frontal attack has our dear rider, doing a full-body lean-and-hold onto the pole. Usually involves some sort of newspaper option or god-forbid a f*cking Kindle. I’d like to make a suggestion…if you resemble any sort of animal (obvious Koala here), while riding the train…you should probably change your behavior. The rear option is just the best though. Sometimes, it’s just a back lean…but when the day is right and God smiles upon us…it’s all in the ass. 

    What do I mean dear readers? No hands needed, full-on, butt clenching goodness. It happens. 

    The point is…I just want to be able to put my hand on some part of the pole without having to wedge my fingers between your fupa/boobs/lower back/neck and the cold, metal pipe. That’s it. 

    The Stair Master: You know what sounds like the worst idea ever? Having any part of your body touch the subway stairs. Oh yeah, and you’ve decided to SIT THERE DURING RUSH HOUR. Perfect. Glad you are comfortable. I actually had a dude get upset with me for almost stepping on his fingers the other day.

    OH, I’m SO sorry that I almost stepped on your fat sausage fingers while walking down the stairs to GO TO WORK while you were using the bottom three steps as your f*cking VIP lounge…hope you are your lady friend weren’t too disturbed that day at your version of “da club”. I should have kicked over your Snapple right then and there. Consider this my public apology. 

    Super Power Business Guy: There are two versions of this. Let’s call this business guy…Ron. Ron can’t get off his f*cking Blackberry until the VERY last subway stair. He knows there’s no reception down there but insists on yelling into his mobile device “Can you still hear me?” while lingering (blocking everyone else) in the stairwell.

    No, Ron…they can’t hear you anymore. Because you are in this thing called a subway station. Sounds like someone needs to get out and take a cab. 

    You know what else Ron loves? He loves to pull out his work-commissioned Dell laptop while on the train. Since, that makes sense. Shit Ron. You need a new job for a lot of reasons. First off, they gave you a freaking Dell. You’re doing it wrong. 

    But to end on a good note…there are a couple Subway Characters who I’ll never be mad at. Thank you: Churro Lady, Full Mariachi Band, and MJ impersonator with portable amp for ALWAYS making my commute better. 



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