1. Be a Better…Hipster.

    Power Hipster Edition:

    So what’s a Power Hipster you ask? Is that just one of those kids that wears those glasses that they got for free while seeing Avatar (lenses popped out obviously)?

    No, no dear reader(s). 

    That’s a normal hipster. Normal Hipsters are a fairly calm people, who can actually be VERY good looking and contributing members of society. Delightful at most times, unless you are getting in the way of them and their vegan, farm-raised brownie. No, that’s not what we are talking about here…these are fringe members of the hipster society that are so far down the happy hipster trail, that they actually have turned into another species. 

    A chart to explain, as you know my affinity for a good visual representation of facts. A Venn diagram for your pleasure today, made by yours truly:

    Here’s a little 10 item checklist to Being a Better Power Hipster:

    1)Extreme Facial Hair: If you can make yourself look like a deformed lumberjack, 1920’s gay barber on crack, or Adolf Hitler, do that. The power hipster isn’t into the typical Williamsburg scruffy beard, or even the light mexi-stache. No, no. The Power Hipster must use facial hair to make themselves look as socially outcast as possible while maintaining as much irony as they can possibly muster.

    2) Ridiculous Eyewear:No Warby Parkers allowed, actually nothing manufactured after 1982 allowed. Must be big, grandmother approved, and increases the ugly quotient by at least 100 points. These should almost never be prescription, too manistream. Wear these ridiculous glasses with your contacts if you need to actually be able to see the very highly conceptual art piece that involves melba toast soaked in tears that you are currently “working on”. 

    3) Eat like a Pretentious Asshole and/or a Truck Driver:

    There are only two Power Hipster food categories, Organic Vegan Farm Raised Gluten Free Sh*t and junk food. If you really want to be a better power hipster, you aren’t allowed to eat anything that’s not an extreme of one of those categories. And I don’t mean normal junk food, it has to be junk food so junky that it has somehow become socially acceptable again. Also, frequent bars that serve said junk food with your PBR/Shot special that you MUST learn to only order. 

    Acceptable Power Hipster Junk Food:

    -Tater Tots

    -Cheese balls

    -Canned Cheese

    -Spagetti-O’s

    -ETC.

    4) Hate Everything: Yeah, that’s pretty self explanatory. Find something wrong with everything and then blame society. If you can be apathetic and VERY opinionated at the same time, you’ve made it. 

    5) Be Ahead of the Curve: You are never, never allowed to like anything that is popular right now. It either needs to have been popular back then, or from the f*cking future. If it’s on TV, hate it. If it’s happening in fashion, despise it. AND GOD FORBID…don’t you dare like a band that people have heard of. If in doubt, make up a band name, they’ll never know. Whatever you do, don’t be mainstream EVER…you’ll lose your hipster powers that way.  

    If you need to come up with a name for your new super experimental band that you’ve started…here are some tips:

    OBSCURE ANIMAL NAME+RANDOM ADJECTIVE + VERB= BAND NAME

    Ex. Wolf + Fragile + Punch= Fragile Wolf Punch 

    6) Be Different, Just Like Everyone Else: Make sure to look very individual at all times, but also, don’t hang out with people that look mainstream, they are seriously going to blow your cover that you used to be a Kappa Sigma in college and you may or may not have worn Abercrombie for a season or ten before moving to NYC.

    7) Constrict Your Wonderzones in Polyester: Never, never let your crotch be free and breezy. It always needs to be tightly packaged in a non-natural fabric and out there for the world to see. Fupas are acceptable for men and women and always top it off with a vintage (from the 80’s) womanly belt, no matter what your gender is. Extra points awarded for 25-20 inches of VERY PALE thigh meat.

    8) Make Your Head Uglier Than Normal: Anything you can do to make your head look abnormal, do it. Glue crayons into your beard, get laser lines, wear facepaint, whatever. Just try and distract people from your cosby sweater by making your head look like an art installation, but remember we aren’t talking MOMA art, we are talking “now showing in a basement in Bushwick” experimental sh*t.

    9) Party Weird: No normal parties, and don’t even think about not having a theme. Someone must be wearing an Indian headdress, you must take lots of blown out hi-flash photography photos (best if with a disposable camera you bought at the salvation army) and eat your hipster junk food so you don’t get sick. Because vomit is WAY TOO mainstream. 

    10) When in Doubt, Be Ironic: No explanation needed here. 

    We can’t all be this cool, but we SURE can try! 

    Advocating for Handlebar Moutaches and Disco Acid Pool Parties with a Scottish/Native American Theme for Everyone,

    Chinae

     
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