(Part 2 from yesterday…) Pick-Up Artist LADIES Edition:
So…I am around A LOT of women in my life, that and I am the proud owner of my own girly parts. Between Simultaneous-Period phenomenon conversation, and talking about how we are going to make a million dollars to fund our desire for a beach house with exactly 3 shirtless cabana boys… I get to overhear and take part in a lot of talk about the men folk and of course some mild bitching.
Here are some of the most common things I hear regarding men and the pickup process:
-“Guys never approach me!” (not with that attitude they don’t)
-“What’s there to talk about with a stranger?” (umm…hello…you’ve never met. this is going to be the time where you have the most to talk about)
-“They probably are just out for sex and nothing serious…” (oh c’mon, let’s not renew our Manhaters Magazine subscription so quickly)
-“Can I turn flirting into a bar, into an actual date?” (it can and DOES happen…they may turn into a crazy person though…I can’t guarantee this will not happen..and it’s more likely than not)
-“I think men are intimidated by my strong personality/good looks/job/etc…so that’s why I don’t get picked up” (false. unless you are Heidi Klum, and if you are Heidi Klum and you are reading this blog…tell Seal hello.)
-“How do I chat up a guy without him thinking I’m desperate?” (If you are desperate, it’s obvious whether you open your mouth or not…it’s like the smell of freshly cooked bacon to a vegetarian (smells good but wouldn’t put it in their mouth for a million)
SOME TIPS AND TRICKS to Expert Lady Game (minus the game playing):
-Problem: Poor Positioning….If you are sitting in the corner of a six person booth, no drink, stuck on level twelve of Angry Birds on your iPhone or talking to your friend in an intense convo about how no one “understands who you really are”…no guy is going to talk to you. Not because you aren’t pretty, or interesting, or because they’re nervous…but because you’ve positioned yourself as inaccessible. This isn’t American Gladiators. They should not have to fight Nitro and Storm with pugil sticks and then hand-bike their way over a foam-filled trench to get to you.
-Solution: Guys are lazy. If you are a single gal, you’ve gotta learn pick-up positioning. Instead of sitting in the corner of the booth, let your married friend sit there (she is having regular sex), and sit at the edge of a table and face the flow of traffic (this gives the maximum amount of eye to eye contact possible and if the guy does want to approach you, he doesn’t feel like Storm is giving him the stink eye for leaning over her to try and offer you an adult beverage). I think the best place to post up is near the bar….now don’t be one of those annoying people who (at a busy place) are saddled up to the bar but are pretty much requiring you to do the choreography from the Bump and Grind music video to be able to order my Absolut on the rocks (two limes).
Another easy positioning thing is to open your body up to the main part of the room or who you’ve got your eye on… even if you are seated at a table with people, angle your chair toward the center of the room, I don’t know think NASA has done any research behind this, but speaking from trial and error…it works.
-Problem: No One is Approaching You…Well the mentality that men should be the only one’s making first contact is absurd. If this your thought process.. (fast forward 30 years), you’ll be sharing a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream with your hairless Persian cat Mr. Weebles, watching Designing Women re-runs in your Lot’s o’ Coverage cotton undies. Now look, I’m Southern and I do believe men should make the first move to ask you out but we are talking about striking up a conversation while you’re out…you aren’t inviting him on a romantic Parisien vacation.
-Solution: Get over your insecurity and talk to someone. Buy a guy a beer (wouldn’t that be shocking?). Introduce yourself. Be bold…and I can guarentee most guys will think its insanely refreshing to not have to handle all the dirty work and you’ll probably gain major points for being confident enough to make the first move.
-Problem: Conversation (What the heck do we talk about?!)… Alright, so he came up and offered to buy you a drink. He has dimples. Sh*t. That’s distracting. He sorta looks like that Werewolf kid from that vampire movie I never saw. I wonder if his abs look like that Werewolf’s?….. OK YOU MUST SNAP OUT OF IT. This is the time that you have everything in the world to talk about so make the most of it. You’ll probably get to the stage where you are both 85 and are just staring into space over the dinner table but that time is not now. Engage!
-Solution: Get your brain in the game. Come up with your go-to questions for these times when you are all flustery due to the potential of Werewolf Abs. Think about what you’d want to be asked…be original and don’t ask Yes or No Questions, you’ll feel dumb when they answer and you have to ask another question making you feel like a tube-top-wearing Regis Philbin on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Be really good at talking about a couple of topics so you can hop right on over those uncomfortable silences.
Also, keep it short. Excuse yourself, say you loved talking and that you hope to talk again, and go do something else, if he comes and finds you to continue conversation..you’ve made it to BONUS ROUND!
-Be a little mean sometimes. This is my typical mode of operation. Keep it playful but a few little jabs can let them know that you are interested and they’ll usually respond with a zinger right back. Let’s be honest…we all can use reverting to 3rd grade hair pulling once in a while.
Three Cheers for Summer Love,