One-Piece Swimsuit Edition:
It’s nearing summer, although here in the city I forgot what heat feels like or sun looks like…the closest thing I’ve gotten to sun is the UV nail dryer at my local favorite janky nail salon Q Spa.
Anyway, if I beleive what “they” say…summer is coming and that means it’s beach time bitches. You ready? If you didn’t start dieting back in January, just forget it and try again next year…starting crunches in late May just isn’t going to cut it unless you have Giselle genes so soothe your worries with another one of your homemade “stews”.
With beach season, comes the ultimate female woe…a day typically that ends with you sitting in some God-forsaken dressing room, laying on the floor, crying or considering joining a convent so your pale, wintery ass can hide for the summer and avoid buying a new swimsuit.
Well fashion this year has done us a favor ladies…apparently one pieces are back in with vengeance and I don’t mean those tan-through Miracle Suits™ you find in SkyMall. No, actual cute one-piece swimsuits designed by actual people who have talent. Hurrah!
Let’s see some Do’s and Don’ts of One Piece Bathing Suits for this season…
Alright, let’s talk this out. These swimsuits make me get the “fashion runs” pretty immediately. The first lovely lady is sporting what I like to call the “Slutty Sumo”. Requirements for this suit are fake tatas, a perfectly sculpted back and judging by the pleather, probably some acrylic nails…so I don’t know about you guys…but I’m out on this one.
The next three lil’ gems are obviously designed by a man. NO WOMAN LOOKS GOOD WITH A CENTRAL STOMACH CUTOUT. Can we all agree this is the worst? Nothing says beach-sexy than a round tanline obviously highlighting the fact that you probably shouldn’t have eaten that second round of hot dogs at the beach bbq or that you may have not worked out since you took that hellish Zumba class two years ago and had to fake your own death as a quick exit strategy.
The last suit is just ridiculous…white/tan/cream are never really a great option for swimwear considering if its not made just right you look like the little Hispanic kids at the public pool in my home town that go swimming in their undershirts as well as white being the universally know “how to look fat” color. And those black boob cups? They look like two teacups, just waiting for a beachside tea party…let’s just say I prefer coffee.
These suits really suck. But here are some that don’t…
1. If you are looking for a solid suit, pick a flattering color in a bold, dense hue like these fun blue suits…jewel tones look good on pretty much everyone. Like I said, avoid light colors (only exception is if it’s heavily lined) unless you want a little extra attention at the beach when you do your unexpected peek-a-boo show. Hey, this might be a good option for those of you who need to make a few extra bucks on the weekends.
2. If you are looking for a printed suit, pick a small to medium sized print that doesn’t overwhelm you, ultimately we don’t want you to look like you Macguyvered a swim suit out of your dad’s Tommy Bahama reject shirt.
3. Find your best assest and flaunt that. Long legs? Pick a suit that is higher cut on the thighs so you can elongate those hot gams. Small Waist? Find swimwear that has some structure to it, to accentuate your hourglass figure and make all those straight-up-and-down bitches jealous. Small Boobs/Big Boobs? Wear a cup shape that is supportive to the level that you need, for big knockers wear something with a built in cup, for small nuggets, you can get away with a deep v, so do it while the girls are still up and around.
Hope this helps ease your forth-coming nervous breakdown regarding your thighs,
p.s. two pieces coming in a post soon!