1. Be Better at…The Internet.


    I thought I’d covered all the annoyances to avoid on Facebook in a previous post…but alas, as time rambles on, people find new ways to be completely irritating on the internet.  

    Let’s unpack some of these, ok?

    -Complaining about Facebook…on Facebook: No one cares if you’re mad about Timeline and post threatening responses saying you’re gonna delete your account if they keep doing this sh*t. Guess what? Facebook is not your ex-boyfriend and your wine-saturated threats are really not going to make a huge difference, and give it like…4 days, you’ll get used to it. If you wanna bitch, get your journal out, play some Alanis, and go to town…but please, spare the rest of us. If websites didn’t evolve, I’d still be getting poked 37 times a day by some weirdo from high school, and wondering if it was some sort of “sex thing”. Oh and also, I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t “unsubscribe” from people. Muting “Southerners for Chicken Sandwiches and Sweet Tea” and “Gays Against Non-Organic Spagetti” is the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

    -Textagrams: We are living in a scary time here, folks. Our dear FB is starting to look alot like that red-headed stepchild..MYSPACE. It all started so innocently…just a mildly funny SomeEcard once in a while…now look at us. Stock imagery being posted of someone doing a handstand on the beach with a quote (that certainly hasn’t been fact-checked) saying, “Live Free, Dance Like Someone is Watching and Swim in the Ocean of Peace” is a frequent occurrence. People, this is how China will overthrow us. They probably have factories full of people, just churning out non-inspirational inspirational photo poems, that will one day turn all of our collective minds into viral mush. We will all start to write in Curlz MT and our souls will die a slow, slow death. I actually think I might prefer the sparkly GIFS that say “Sexy Bitch” on Myspace.

    - Job Inquiries: “Hey Guys, I’m looking for a new job…if you know of anything, let me know! -Peace” In what motherf*cking world do you live in? People that are Mensa-level smart, are making sure your fries are McCrispy. You think that by posting one sentence on FB, that suddenly Employment Santa is going to come down your chimney and hand you a 401K, health insurance, and a steady paycheck, wrapped in a bow that isn’t from the Dollar Store?  There is no doubt in my mind why you don’t have a job…here’s a nugget of wisdom-y advice: SEND OUT A RESUME, USE NORMAL CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION, APPLY FOR ACTUAL JOBS, STOP BEING A DOUCHE. You are seriously offending people that are TRYING HARD to actually obtain employment. Oh and if you do post that you need a job, maybe include some parameters/qualifications/etc?

    -The Worst Kind of Event: Me: Look here, I got invited to a party…let me check it out…”I…Lost…My…Phone…Party.” OK now I’m upset (as is Natalie Portman). You invited me to a non-existant event that is being faux-thrown for your irresponsible ass. There isn’t even vodka. Here’s what’s gonna happen, I’m coming over as soon as you get all those new numbers loaded up, and I’m going to throw your phone down the sewer. Do not tease me with party details, when all you want is for me to send you my digits, so you can “not call” me for another 4 years. Again, NO VODKA?! Hmphhh!

    I think I’m done. 

    It’s Monday…you know the drill. Write me a letter or don’t…whatever.

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