5 Rules of the Office Edition
Unless you’re lucky enough to work in your underwear everyday while sipping pina coladas (yes, this is how I picture the freelance lifestyle), you probably have to drag yourself to an office. And that means you probably have to deal with coworkers, bosses, and clients. There’s always one annoying or downright revolting person in the office…if you can’t come up with one in your head…you’re probably that person.
Here’s are 5 ways to be the least irritating version of yourself at the office.
-Suitable Bathroom Behavior: A guy started at my office a couple years ago (no longer with the company) and on his first day, decides to utilize the centrally located SINGLE bathroom at the office. Utilize may not be the right word here, come to think of it….more like, cause a catastrophic tidal wave of discomfort and awkwardness for the office. How, you ask? Well, this person, let’s call him Dan, left the bathroom in poop-covered shambles, only to be discovered by our less than discreet maintenance man, Murphy. Murph’s voice resounded through the office with this cry, “Who blew up the bathroom, got sh*t on the walls, and left chocolate all up in the brush!?” SILENCE and a flurry of inner office instant messages. The lesson is, if you’re planning on having a life-altering moment in the bathroom, do it elsewhere…find a nearby Starbucks, hotel lobby, or fake your own death and go home. Because obviously, someone will be writing a blog post about you someday.
-Personal Life Explosion: Knowing about your coworkers’ personal life can make those slow days a little easier and create a sense of camaraderie in the workplace. You know what doesn’t fly? I DO NOT NEED UPDATES ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, BODY DYSFUNCTIONS, OR TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE WATER LEVEL ON THE JAR OF TEARS THAT YOU KEEP UNDERNEATH YOUR DESK. When I start getting mass text updates about your dog Willow’s hip surgery (complete with photos of his cone head), we’ve gone too far. The lesson here, find that line between work and personal and draw it deep, deep in the sand.
-Evil BCC Usage: You know what really annoys me? When people use BCC to be sneaktastic. I don’t need your CIA-type secrecy when we are checking status on a project. BCC is great for mass email or for keeping people in the loop, but using it for trickery, no bueno email traitor.
-Reply All Monster: Reply all saves so much time and energy when needing to have more than 2-3 people on a project. But seriously people, there is NO reason why 7 people on an email needs to respond with their own personal, “Thanks!” or “Cool!” on a reply-all email. If only we could get this amount of closure after a breakup!
-Smell Monitoring: Two summers ago, I had an intern (let’s call her Susan), who I hired without meeting (mistake #1). This happened to be one of the hottest summers in NYC on record and Susan described herself as more of a “natural” girl than most. I was not aware that “natural” meant that she rubs a crystal on her pits and calls it deodorant. That is a crystallized rock of lies, Susan. Did I mention that Susan’s favorite food was tuna salad on an onion bagel…I spent 3 LONG months with at least 4-5 candles lit around my work station and when I got tired of my desk looking like a damn seance, I would place a fan directly in front of my face, leaving the office looking like I had my head out of a car window for 8 hours of the day. Lesson of the day? If your food smells like body odor, or if your body odor smells like food….it’s time for a change.
Happy workday assholes,