3 Big Date Faux Pas:
Now, before we dive in…I’ll mention that I have experienced ALL of these dating atrocities at least once when out with a gentleman caller. If you guys are reading this (and I know some of you are), I suggest you take heed, you heathens! (Also, thanks for the 3-4 drinks I consumed on your Amex)
You’d think most of these notes would be common sense…but then again, I saw a man ask a woman if she was having a boy or girl this morning on the train. Let’s just say, if a woman is just exhibiting a little extra upper arm meat and a slight bulge…maybe save the Q+A session until you’re positive. Turns out, no baby, but she won’t be having her morning bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel, anytime soon.
Here we go:
-Fortune Teller: Sure, we gals don’t like to be in the dark (somewhere between date 6-16)…and YES, we like to know that we’ve piqued your interest and that you’re engaging with us purposefully. You know what we don’t need to know? That you think that we were “made for each other like a flower and bumblebee” or that you feel like we’ve reached “2 become 1 status, you know, like that song”. We just met likkkkke 1 vodka on the rocks ago. You’re scaring me. You think by predicting our 1.5 mixed race children, that somehow you’ve found a loophole to the eventual relational DTR…I’m sorry, you’ve just freaked me the f*ck out and I’m going to do a clothing swap with the waiter and hightail it outta here incognito.
-iDate: For a short period of time, I was dating a polygamist. Calm down Mom, not like the Utah kind. More like…I went on a date with a man and his iPhone, all at once. To hide that he was texting CONSTANTLY (probably with another lady), every time his phone would light up, he would excuse himself and head to the bathroom. OK, let me get this straight, you’d rather me think you have perma-shits than let those texts sit in the docket. WOW. Another fine gentleman kept checking his phone, I’d say…every 3-5 minutes. I probably couldn’t recognize this person in a line up, unless we are just identifying people my the top of their heads. Finally I got so irritated, I asked if something was wrong and he profusely apologized and said there was a big “game” that night. He was getting updates (clue #1 this would never materialize into a real relationship). So to make me feel included, he suggested that we check updates TOGETHER on his phone, a bonding experience to say the least. I quietly ate my grilled salmon and plotted his untimely death.
-Too Soon Texter: Don’t get me wrong, every girl loves receiving a cordial text after a fun-filled date night that says something to the effect of, “I had so much fun, thanks for being a great date, see you soon!”. You know what we don’t like? When we say “thanks!” to that text and then you’re like, “So what are you doin’?” Homey, I JUST left you 15 minutes ago. I just want to take off all my jewelry, sit in my underwear in front of my A/C unit, and watch Law and Order SVU. Ok? Good.
Glad we talked,