That moment when you realize that you have 8 weddings to attend in the next six months, and you’re in most of them. Breathe. Being in someone’s wedding is an honor and a curse, let’s be honest. You are so thankful that someone loves and trusts you enough to be a huge part of your big day, but then also, you have to buy a really overpriced dress, do that girly high pitched voice when talking about flower arrangements, say things like “that’s so chic”, and attend a lot of potentially coma-inducing pre-wedding events.I have been super lucky to have been in some great weddings lately, where the bride has actually made being a bridesmaid, an honor, not a curse. Praise jeebus.
NOTE: If you get asked to be in a wedding, and you accept, you are required to be awesome. Here are some reminders of how not to be the total blowhole of the wedding partay.
-Realize, this is not your wedding. I understand you have been planning YOUR big day since you high-fived the doctor on your way out of your ma’s uterus. Thoughts of mason jars chock full of wildflowers adjacent to mini sliders topped with personalized pennant flags were the first thing on your mind as you started dating your boyfriend…I get it. BUT, this is not your wedding, and for you married ladies, this is not your chance to go back and get a do-over. Remind yourself that what the bride wants, is what she wants…and it’s not your job to change her mind. Unless she’s suggesting matching crocs for the bridal party. Then, I fully support Operation Quit The Wedding. All that to say, unless cutie bride ASKS for your opinion…keep your big J. Crew-loving mouth, shut.
-Ask what she needs, don’t assume. Chances are the bride knows you pretty well. She probably knows your strengths, weaknesses, and where you annoy her the most…so ask her what she wants help on, rather than getting all up in her grill. Different b-maids can be really good at specific things, so let her tell you what things she’d like you to be involved in. Example, I am an anal-retentive planner without a penchant for cooking…so instead of baking 10 lemon tarts for a bridal shower, I will be in charge of cocktails and taking minutes at bridal party meetings. Excel documents and vodka…these are things I understand.
-Stop suggesting ugly things. You are trying to help, which is awesome…but if the rest of the gals just keep saying things you are suggesting are “cute” but then shoot each-other severe non-verbal cues silently saying “that’s fucking awful”, you should maybe just let them do the picking. Don’t get butt-hurt, when it’s time for you to waltz down the aisle, you can make them wear all the fuchsia taffeta that your cold little heart desires. It’ll be YOUR day big girl, vengeance is yours.
-Plan WAY far in advance. Make sure the MOH coordinates the bridal party on an email and start putting some dates in the old calendario. Getting 7 gals and one busy bride on the same schedule is a pain in the ass, but the earlier you can settle on key dates, the better. Get those outta the way, and THEN figure out how many penis hats you need to order for the bachelorette party.
-Every wedding-centric event doesn’t have to be tacky, know this (I’m looking at you Bachelorette Party Planner). Speaking of penis hats…don’t do it. Just…don’t. Let’s clarify, this is not a moral issue for me. Having a male’s anatomy taped on my forehead just doesn’t make me feel pretty or awesome, ya know? It’s not even THAT embarrassing. I understand that it’s the last “wild night out” for our bride of choice, but we’ve all had some crazy times that didn’t involved putting D+B in my ears or ingesting baked confections in the shape of my future husband’s junk. Also, any bar you go to, you WILL be the group of people that are killing the buzz of every other patron. I’m no good at math but there’s an equation in here somewhere.
ALCOHOL+PENIS SHAPED PARAPHENALIA+TOO MUCH EXPECTATION=HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING AND ANNOYING THE WHOLE WORLD
I’m sure there are like 9283896573 other things to say about this…I just might offend a lot more people.
Three Cheers for Wedded Bliss,