1. Be Better at…Social Media.

    Instagram Edition:

    I have an addiction. And that addiction is Instagram. 

    Surprisingly, I almost like it more than Facebook. The perks? You don’t have to hear about people getting pooped on by their own babies, the quinoa bullshit someone ate for lunch, or how often someone is hitting their cardio yogalates class every week. BUT, warning…you may have to visualize some of these things in photo form.

    But I have a confession, even more than my addiction. 

    I am bad at Instagram. I have committed every cardinal sin that you can imagine on this social network…but I want to e-repent and try not to do these things ever again! And mostly, I’m sick of seeing you post these things too, k?

    P.S. No one is allowed to get butt-hurt over this post because I have only used my own photos and idiocy as examples.

    The 5 Instagram Photos That Everyone Posts, But Collectively Everyone Hates:

    • Obscure Nature Shots: You know what people on Instagram love? Flowery branches on a blue sky background. It’s the irresistible photo because, hell yes, it’s pretty… it sorta makes us look like we go outside once in awhile…and there is a good chance that with the right crop…we all can look a little artsy. Other favorites in the “Obscure Nature” category? Final moments before sunset, the SuperMoon, close up flowers, and lonely pier leading into choppy lake. These get boring, but they are tolerable I suppose (and I’ll probably keep posting them).
    • Moody Coffee: Coffee photos are never f*cking happy, are they? They always look like the final cup of joe before someone is going to be publicly executed. Oh, and it’s never going to be a styrofoam cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee on a formica countertop, next to a copy of US Weekly or In Touch Magazine. If there’s reading material in the shot, it’s gonna be the Times/The New Yorker/Kinfolk/Great Gatsby/Steinbeck. TRUST. We curate our coffee photos like we are trying to get laid via Instagram…the proper TYPE of coffee, perfect latte art, the RIGHT coffee shop tagged, a beautiful table surface, and some thing else like a casually-placed glasses, a book, or a pastry that cost upwards of $8. Pretention at it’s finest people.
    • Weather Update: I did this the other day..and then immediately hated myself for it. I took a screenshot of the weather on my iPhone and then posted it to Instagram. This makes no fucking sense. I act like I am getting my weather updates from some desert shaman via smoke signals that no one else has access to. Hey loser (me..and sometimes you), we all have frackin’ weather on our phones or we could do it the old fashioned way and look outside.(and yes, I am yelling at myself right now)
    • Window Seat: Shit, I forgot to bring those trophies with me today. Because you deserve some sort of award that you flew on a plane and took photos from your window seat of God’s good creation and now are taking photo credit for it right? Oh wait. No, no…we don’t deserve a viral pat on the back for breaking sky law to snap a pic of Iowa as we fly over. Also, you are just trying to piss others off completely…you’re either travelling to exotic places for work or going on vacation. Either way, I want to swiftly take both of your knees out while I look through my feed during Excel spreadsheet formatting at my desk. Stop being an asshole.
    • Cocktail Blur: When I break the two cocktail threshold, I will be putting up a blurry photo of the libation I am currently chugging. This is not interesting for anyone involved and honestly, I have to pause my drinking to take the photo and try and pick a filter that makes it look mildly appetizing. I am going to try and stop this habit, but I really get invested in my mojitos and want to share the joy with the world around me.

    All this to say…let’s try and be better before pulling that proverbial trigger. I have to say…there are two types of photos I never get tired of seeing…bring on the PUPPIES AND ARCHITECTURE!!!!

    What are your least favorite type of Instagram photos? Who are your favorites to follow?

     Happy faux-photography!


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