Moving might be my least favorite thing in the world. Thanks parentals for making me do it every 3-4 years of my life until I was 22, if I become a weird hermit by 30, I’m blaming you.
Anyway…by the end of my adolescence, I just learned a fun little trick…throw everything away and you can always get another one if you’re desperate enough. Well that was all good and well until now…I moved to New York City.
Moving in NYC is just different than most places…normal Americans get professional movers, adequate/sturdy boxes, appropriate vehicles, and spend weeks packing their huge amounts of stuff and utilize items like dollies and sharpies to label things…but not New Yorkers.
No, we decided a long time ago to just to bribe our friends with bagels and mimosas, throw our stuff in the 10385 canvas bags we’ve received for free at the museum/IKEA/concert/Whole Foods, and take some sketchy van we rented on Craigslist to our new abode. We really suck. No wonder people will continue to live in a total shithole just to avoid this.
Here are 5 Be Better Tips to Moving:
1) Packing is a Virtue: I have showed half-drunk/half-asleep to several moves and wipe my little eyes in disbelief, because I feel like I’ve showed up on the wrong day. Why you say? BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STILL INTACT (and my friend is enjoying a mimosa at the dining table reading the Times). Friends, if I come help you move, and give up my Saturday…you better be prepared. I don’t want to crate up your crusty thong underwear or sort your Morgan Freeman dvd collection. I signed up for moving, not packing. This was not in the contract of friendship we signed long ago…and the only thing that can appease me now is a fully-paid for, beach vacation. Your punishment will be, forever reminding you that you are the worst.
2) Boxes of Books and Other Horrible Strategies: I seriously love my friends, but some of you couldn’t pack a f*cking box if you had a gun to your head. I mean, I’m going to say it…I think big boxes suck to move in-city…unless you live in the ‘burbs and have a car/van/moving company…they make almost no sense. BUT even worse is when you have a 5-fl walk up and someone hands you a snack-size ziploc baggie full of stuff and tells you to make the trip up. NO, make each trip worth our while with medium sized boxes, crates, and large bags and pile them on me like I’m a donkey (burro) in Little Mexico. But on the other hand…(and I’m only going to say this once) stop packing your entire Encyclopedia Brittanica collection in one box. We are not the American Gladiators, we are just your ex-friends and we cannot possibly carry 367lbs of knowledge in one trip up the stairs. How about volumes A-E with some sweaters on top? Good? Good.
3) Bribery Tips: Newsflash…mimosas are no longer a good way to bribe your friends to help you move. The champagne you bought costs $8 dollars and we are now tispy AND have a massive headache. We also have to drive that crackvan from Craigslist around the city for you…which is already a terrible idea since most of us haven’t been behind the wheel of a car (much less a windowless cargo van) in years…so adding in mimosas..not great. Bagels are in theory a good idea…but then who really wants to sit down and eat when you just want to get this damn thing over with. ***I have to say, my friend Rachel did it right this past weekend…come help me move, and get treated to brunch after.*** It’s the perfect tactic because people are going to need some serious yums after all that rigamarole and it’s way better than some god-forsaken donut platter from the grocery store. Also, just a protip, go to the store and get a slew of bottled water, sounds simple but it’s rare when it happens. (oh and if you are rich enough to get real movers, make sure you still offer them water, don’t be an asshole)
4) Teamwork: Make teams on the front and back end of the trips…that way people can commit less time and they can potentially stay as near to where they live as possible. They’ll love you for this and may even volunteer to help on both ends.
5) Information Station: I don’t like being lied to. You know what’s the same as lying in my book? Misinformation or not giving full disclosure. When you are asking people to help, give them all the info. 6 floor walk up? Pack of wild dogs living next door? Russian mob in your new building? I WANT TO KNOW. I don’t want to show up to a surprise of 20 flights of stairs, I need to mentally prepare for that sh*t and choose my footwear accordingly.
Happy moving and yes, I’ll still keep helping as long as you follow these rules!