Be Better Blog

Since today is the official day of being all vomit-y and talking about love, I suppose my adoration of jumping on bandwagons shouldn’t quit on such an occasion. 

But I’m not going to tell you how to impress that special someone, or how to pick the perfect V-day gift…because, seriously, no one wants to read that shit.

Instead, let’s dissect the easiest ways to absolutely make your v-day crash and burn…as one half of a couple, or totally single. Because that’s WAY more fun.

5 Ways to Kill Valentine’s Day: Relationship Edition

-Buy her clothes: Clothes are tricky…especially if you have no clue what actual size she is. You’re probably going to offend her or make her feel fat. I was shopping last night, and was approached by men 3 separate times, to give my opinion on some V-day clothing items for their wives/girlfriends. I picked out clothing for three women, who I happen to never have met, have no idea of their personal style, or what they actually look like. Descriptors that were used by these men when asked to give details of their ladies were: skinny, light-skinned, hot, big butt, and short. So, as you can see…I was not set up to win here. Note, if you are asking a stranger at Forever 21 if you should buy either the ugly satin blue dress or the ugly satin pink dress…you should stick with something more in your wheelhouse..like candy (or bling-covered chains in one instance). And for the record, I picked the ugly blue one. 

-Open the Ex-Files: This is not the time or place to talk about past gifts, or romantic expressions made by previous lovers. Ladies, shut your mouth. This is also not the time to talk about that wedding at Disneyland that you’ve been dreaming of. Eat your Russell Stover’s and be happy.

-Make an Overly-Romantic Gesture That Reveals Your Inner Guilt: Maybe i’m a Valentine’s Day cynic (realist) in that I think some good quality time, small tokens of affection, and telling them how you feel is enough. But I will tell you…when I see that someone has rented the entire Empire State Building for a rousing hide and go seek game, figured out how to make an actual carpet fly Aladdin-style, and/or has brought in Mario Batali for a home made dinner complete with a trip to Italy for dessert…I start wondering how badly you f*cked up this year to have to do all that.  If a man did this, I would probably break up with him, because he is for sure cheating on me or killing puppies in his spare time. 

-E-cards: Nothing is worse than an e-card. Just…don’t do it. Too depressing. Write an email or something. Or actually WRITE A REAL LETTER. Imagine that.

-Fuck Dinner Up: Valentine’s dinner has some sort of weird pressure behind it. Don’t totally mess it up by emotionally vomiting on your date…how this is the first Valentine’s date you’ve ever been on and that if all goes to plan that you know that you guys would have very adorable children. Also, men…stop talking about work, or your “portfolio”, or how you can’t wait to get home and bump uglies. It’s making my steak taste funny.

5 Ways to Ruin Valentine’s Day: Single Edition

-Post Anti-Love Sentiments on FB: We’ve all been single on at least one Valentine’s Day…and Facebook makes that more evident than ever. But I will tell you one thing…if you want to ensure that next year’s V-day will be just as lonely, talk about how much V-day sucks, and how it’s a Hallmark holiday. Even some of us that are in relationships don’t really care for it…but putting out those negative vibes don’t make you or anyone else feel any better. No guy was ever like…”man, that girl is pissed she’s single…I think I should do something about that and whisk her off her angry little feet!” Also, I think F*ck Guys Girl’s Night Out is banned on today…too much, ladies. 

-Cat Photo Shoot: Doing a full-fledged photo shoot with your army of felines after too much discount wine is not going to go well. 

-Ask Strangers on a Date: Men, this is not the day to pick up women on the train/bar/laundry mat. You are opening up a time bomb of emotion that you are not prepared for. You may want a hot date for tonight, really bad…but don’t be that weirdo desperate guy that’s ordering the pre-fixe Valentine’s menu for one at the bar so you can scope out women. 

-Go to the Gym: I’ve been single quite a few times on Valentine’s…but one thing I won’t do is go to the gym on this day. Give yourself a break, have a relaxing evening…the gym is only going to be full of die-hards and lonely hearts tonight. Grab a drink with friends and celebrate love today, single or not.

-Single’s Events: Holy sh*t. I still can’t believe that people go to things that include the words: Speed date, mixer, anti-valentine’s day ball, singles b-ball. I mean, I am all for figuring out ways to meet people, but going to one of these things on Valentine’s Day is NOT the answer. Again, drinks with friends are always the best option!

Love you all. 

xo Chinae