Got a fatter ass than usual this holiday season? Want to avoid people fawning over your non-existent pregnancy at the Christmas Eve service? Yeah, me too.
Well, my poison is low-carbing. One of my NEW favorite low-carb weapons is Almond Flour/Meal. Yes, mofos…Almond Meal. Straight from the mean aisles of Trader Joe’s.
Essentially Almond Meal is for lazy people, like me. I thought at first it was some g*ddamned ancient Chinese secret…turns out, it’s almonds, crushed into a meal. JUST ALMONDS.
Whatever. I digress.
You can buy this glorious substance at a lot of places, but I get mine at TJ’s for about $3.99 a bag.
Almond meal is extremely low carb, has almost no taste and can be used all sorts of ways. I’ve got two low-carb examples for you to work from today…
Southern Fried Chicken That Won’t Give You The Meat Sweats:
-Chicken pieces, I like breasts (TWSS)
-Oil or butter
-Mrs. Dash Spice Mix or whatever blend of spices you prefer
-Salt and Pep
Step One: Beat your egg in a bowl. Cue arm workout.
Step Two: Combine Almond Flour, Salt and Pepper, Spices into a dry mix on a plate, use common sense to get your ratio right.
Step Three: Dip your chicken pieces in the egg and then dip them in the dry spices/Almond Meal mixture. Coat each piece throughly.
Step Four: Heat enough oil or butter to cover the bottom of your fry pan, and let it get to a hot temp, typically reserved for frying. If you don’t let your oil get hot enough, your chicken is going to turn into a hot, oily sponge, and consequently…your ass will get fatter due to the sheer amount of oil you are going to be ingesting.
Step Five: Place your chicken bits in the oil gently. Be careful, you don’t want a burning hot oil explosion to accidentally spray your face and then go really deep into debt paying off your reconstructive surgery bills (because you know you aren’t going to go all V for Vendetta for life).
Step Six: Once your pieces are perfectly browned on both sides and throughly cooked in the middle, remove from your fire pit/stove/bunsen burner and place the pieces on a paper towel to get rid of any access oil.
Step Seven: Eat ‘em up and feel your butt shrinking.
Skinny Spiced Low Carb Cookies:
-2 Cups of Almond Meal
-Pinch of Cloves
-1/2 Cup of Splenda Baking Version or the equivalent sugar substitute (note: if you aren’t using the baking version, look at the box and make sure you are using the equivalent amounts not actually 1/2 cup of Sweet N’ Low)
-1 Packet of Splenda/whatever to sprinkle on top
-1/4 Cup Dried Cranberries (optional)
WARNING: These cookies are awesome but they taste like sugar substitute which I happen to like and am totally used to. If you are wanting something that tastes like sugar, you are going to have to eat sugar and then deal with that weird stomach pooch thing that is going to happen.
Step One: Preheat your oven to 325 degrees.
Step Two: Combine all your dry stuff together and whisk to make sure it’s evenly mixed.
Step Three: Add your egg, vanilla and cranberries (again, this is optional in case you can’t read what I already clearly stated above) and mix well. You’ll be left with a quasi-crumbly ball of dough.
Step Four: Make little 1 1/2 inch diameter dough balls. Flatten your balls on the (parchment paper lined) baking sheet with your manos (hands for the white people).
Step Five: Sprinkle lightly with that packet of Splenda. You shouldn’t need more than one packet for the whole pan of cookies.
Step Six: Bake for 12-15 minutes until golden brown.
Give yourself the gift of a sexy ass this winter,